Pink Slip
by legalliz
Summary: Stephanie's throwing in the towel on being a bounty hunter...again. Just when she thinks she's earned a day off, Ranger gives her a call asking for her help. But why can't helping Ranger ever be as easy as counting to 3? Stephanie POV. More of a Cupcake story.


_Disclaimer: All of the characters, personalities, and backgrounds belong to the delightful Janet Evanovich._

Pink Slip

The sunlight was just streaming through my bedroom window when my phone started to ring. I pulled my pillow over my head and let it go to voicemail. Considering the day I had yesterday, my mind was already made up to take today off, and _no one_ was going to ruin that. The annoying ringtone finally cut off, and I buried myself deeper under the covers.

On a normal day I would have been dressed and showered contemplating a stop at the Tasty Pastry on the way to work for some donuts to go with my morning coffee. Today, however, I was going to be scouring the want-ads for new employment. My name is Stephanie Plum, and I am a _former_ bond enforcement agent, aka: bounty hunter. Sounds cool on paper, but the reality of it sucks. I had just spent the better part of the last two weeks hunting down some stupid skip who left me nothing but a busted lip and a stained shirt, and on top of it all, I had lost another car. And the jerk still somehow slipped through my fingers. Here I thought I was getting better at my job.

Ironically it wasn't the car that did it for me. I've probably lost about a hundred cars by now in my line of work. It's not that I'm irresponsible with them. Honest. It's more like I'm a magnet for disaster, and those disasters tend to frequently involve my current mode of transportation. They've been firebombed, smashed, stolen, flattened, and once there was even this flock of geese. Now that it's old hat, I just shrug it off and wait until I can purchase another ticking time bomb on wheels. Or until Ranger feels bad enough to lend me one of his cars.

Ranger is my… Ok, so I really don't know what he is. I guess we're friends that on rare occasions get carried away and wind up in bed together. He's also a former bond enforcement agent and my mentor of sorts who now co-owns and runs an elite security firm that I've worked for on occasion. The man is a Latino batman without the rubber suit and cape. He wears all black to keep things simple, and he's the very definition of the phrase tall, dark, and handsome. Except I might go so far as to say he's tall, dark, and super sexy. He's made it clear that relationships and marriage aren't part of his future, and that's probably due to his dark and mysterious past. For that reason, I try my darnedest to keep him at arm's length. Well, that and the fact that I kind of have a boyfriend.

Fortunately, the car that was most recently ruined didn't belong to Ranger, so like I said, I didn't really feel all that bad about it. Especially since I was the one who forgot to set the break when it rolled down a hill into a small body of water. What really pushed me over the edge this time was the punch that split my lip and resulted in a stained and ruined fifty dollar blouse. Lula, my friend and sometimes sidekick, had talked me into buying the stupid thing, and like a complete idiot I was wearing it when I happened to run into the man I had been searching for all week. I managed to catch the guy off guard for the takedown but somehow managed to misjudge his unwillingness to be escorted to the police station. He fought mean and dirty and obviously had never been taught not to hit a girl. The punch landed square in my face, and the moment I tasted blood, I foolishly let my grip relax. He took the opportunity to slip away, and I was left with yet another unsightly wound and a totally ruined shirt. I'm not usually sentimental about clothing, but this blouse was one of my favorites. So without hesitation, I decided right then and there that I'd had enough and would be finding a more suitable form of employment that was kinder to my denims and knits.

My warm bed was just about back to perfection when my phone rang again. "Dammit!" I yelled. "What does a woman have to do to get a day off around here?" I glanced over at the phone. It was Ranger. This time he'd left a text. _Need Help. Call ASAP_. I was still feeling a little miffed about the sleep disruption, so I waited an hour before calling him back. For all he knew, I was in the middle of a takedown, so he probably wouldn't be that mad. Finally, I grabbed my phone and dialed his number.

"Hey, you know some of us do like to sleep in a little. You'd get a better response time if you waited until after the sun was awake too," I ranted.

"Babe," Ranger said. "It's after 11:00 AM. The sun was awake a long time ago. I thought you'd already be at work by now."

"I'm currently seeking new employment," I grouched. "And I _was_ enjoying my morning off until _someone_ decided to interrupt it."

There was silence on the other end. "I need to get back to…" I could tell from his tone of voice that Ranger was particularly edgy. It was rare that he got worked up about anything, but something had him flustered. "Can you meet me and help me out with something? I've got a few delinquents…Oh sh…oot! Gotta run. I'll text you the address." Then the line went dead.

Normally I might have been a little worried for Ranger. It was unlike him to be desperate enough for my help, so this was probably pretty bad. Unfortunately due to stress, my lack of job and the sleep interruption (not to mention it may have been _that_ time of the month), my give-a-crap o-meter was dangerously low.

My nasty side thought about calling him back and refusing his request. If delinquents were giving Ranger trouble, I really didn't want to have anything to do with them. I'd probably wind up shot, bloody and maybe even dead. Dead wasn't exactly my favorite way of ending a day.

But then again this was Ranger. He'd always come to my rescue regardless of the situation, so I probably owed it to him to at least show up. I'd let him deal with it if I wound up dead. And I'd take my time arriving at the location.

I called my dad to see about getting a ride. I could feel him frown over the phone when I told him what happened to my latest car. Regardless of how he felt, he always took his fatherly duties seriously and said he'd be by to pick me up after dropping off one of his customers.

After a leisurely shower, I threw something comfortable on and grabbed my shoulder bag before heading out the door. I thought about pulling my gun from its clever hiding place in my cookie jar to take along before I remembered I'd forgotten to buy bullets again. I'm pretty worthless with a loaded gun, so an unloaded gun would just be weighty and stupid. I was better off with my hairspray bottle.

An hour later my dad dropped me off at the address Ranger had texted me. We pulled into the parking lot, and I sat for a moment in stunned disbelief. My father asked if I was sure this was the right address, and I nodded. Just as he was pulling away, my phone rang.

"Please tell me this isn't a lockdown situation," I said. "Is anyone hurt?"

"Not yet," he said impatiently. "But if you don't get in here soon, there could be some casualties. You'll have to check in at the office. I'm in room 209."

I entered through the double doors and a lady with big gray hair and bright red lipstick smiled up at me. "Can I help you?" she asked.

"Just here to um…volunteer?" I said. "Do I need to fill something out?" She handed me a clipboard with a sign-in sheet. I went ahead and signed "Joyce Barnhardt." It was the name of my arch nemesis in the bounty hunter world and life, and I decided it was a safe bet in case the authorities came looking for me after whatever was about to go down. "Thanks, sweetie," the lady smiled and handed me a sticker that said "visitor." I made my way down the halls and found room 209. Slowly, I opened the door. I was suddenly very worried about what I was going to find behind it.

Red smears streaked the wall, and I let out a shriek. Things blurred in and out of focus until I felt a hand pulling me over into a chair. My instincts told me to fight back, but my head was suddenly shoved between my legs. "Babe, take deep breaths," I heard faintly over the ringing in my ears. "Relax. It's paint." I inhaled twice and sat up. My vision corrected, and I looked over at Ranger. He was dressed in black dress pants, a black button up shirt, and a black tie…and was covered from head to toe in red paint!

"What the hell?" I asked. He put a finger to his lips. "They repeat _everything_ you say," he whispered through clenched teeth. I looked up and suddenly noticed that a small group of pint-sized people had materialized out of nowhere and were staring straight at me.

"Hang on a sec," I said holding my head. "I think I just stepped into the twilight zone." Ranger stood quietly with a stern look obviously not interested in explaining everything at the moment. "Let me guess," I started. "The janitor is a dangerous criminal and you're undercover today as a…" I stopped. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't finish the sentence.

"A teacher," he finished. I bit my lip in an attempt not to laugh and snorted through my nose instead. After several seconds of staring intently at my shoes, I finally regained some composure and took a moment to look around. "Whoa," I smirked. "This room is a complete disaster."

"That would be why I called you," he said flatly. "Tank is on his way with a change of clothes, and I have a little under two hours before parents come and pick up their kindergarteners. As you can clearly see, I need all the help I can get."

Blocks and assorted toys were strewn in colorful masses far and wide, books had been pulled from their shelves, and there were random tissues dumped out of their box and scattered everywhere. Fortunately, it looked like the paint was contained to the front of the classroom…well, and Ranger.

"What's with the paint?" I finally asked. Ranger shrugged then frowned. "Bobby climbed on a counter and found it in one of the cupboards. Probably thought it was a good time to start some finger painting. Unfortunately, I was a little busy with Claire at the time who couldn't get her overalls off to go use the potty, so by the time I made it back and figured out what Bobby was up to, he had already dumped half the bottle in the fish tank. I ran over and missed the glop of paint precariously dripped on the floor, slid into the fish bowl _and_ Bobby, and somehow managed to push them out of the way just in time to wind up with the red, watery mess all over me and the wall." He leaned over and whispered, "Don't tell anyone, but I don't think Sunny the fish made it." I tried my best to stay serious and offered a sympathetic frown followed by a stifled giggle. Then I remembered all the little people still staring at me.

Ranger and I both looked back at the cluster of children. "Kids," Ranger said sternly to the group. "This is Miss Stephanie. She's here to fix everything." A couple of kids cheered overenthusiastically. I rolled my eyes. "What makes you think _I_ can fix everything?" I asked through clenched teeth.

"You've got a handful of nieces. Your odds are _way_ better than mine." Touché. Besides, even with him standing in the classroom with the students, I was still having difficulty envisioning him as their teacher. It was like a really weird rendition of Kindergarten Cop. And he called _me_ in for his backup. I could feel the onset of the migraine I knew I was about to get, but I dutifully stood tall and confident and marched over to the cupboards by the sink.

"Class," I said in full teacher-voice as I pulled some cleaning supplies from the door cleverly marked with its label. "We are going to play a game. Doesn't that sound like fun?" There were a few excited squeals and few eye rolls, so I continued. "We are going to play knights and princesses. We were kidnapped by the mean, ugly ogre who is forcing us to clean his messy, gross cave. If we don't get it clean in time, the ogre's going to throw us all into his boiling pot and make soup out of us."

"Who's the ogre?" one of the little girls asked looking around. I pointed over at Ranger. "Big Red over there…or, I mean, Mr. Manoso." She pulled my elbow down to whisper in my ear. "He doesn't look very much like an ogre," she said quietly. I looked up at Ranger. "A little help here? They like it when you play along."

"No," he said with a "no way in hell" look. I knew I was in trouble already with the ogre story, so I decided to go for broke. He'd get me back at some point, but for the time being it was _totally_ worth it. "Do you want this place clean or what? If not, I've got my day off to get back to." He glared at me, but there was a twitch of a smile.

"Roar!" he yelled after a minute, stomping after the kids. "I'm going to make soup out of the whole lot of you!" Squeals erupted from the group, and I called over to them. "Hurry, we have to clean all this up or else he'll eat us!" I broke the kids up into groups: a few to tackle the block and toy situation, a few to put back the puzzles and books, a few to gather the loose tissues, and one lucky girl to help me wipe down the watery paint mess off the wall and floor.

Tank showed up sometime in the midst of our cleaning frenzy, and Ranger disappeared to go change. I took a moment to look around. The room was starting to look somewhat civilized again, and surprisingly the kids were mostly staying on task. I went and dumped the remaining contents of the fish bowl in the garbage and rinsed it out, then Rachel and I started wiping up the wall and floor. After two canisters of cleansing wipes and not much luck, I decided it was time to go make friends with the janitor.

Ranger was back and sitting at the desk observing the whole operation and growling at kids who were straying from their cleaning tasks. His clothes were the exact same as before. I guess the whole black-only wardrobe came with its advantages. If I didn't know any better, I might even go so far as to say that he might have been enjoying himself a little. The overseeing ogre thing seemed to be working for him. "I need to go find the janitor," I said.

"You sure it's a good idea to leave me alone with this group again?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Not even a little," I smiled. "But this paint needs some better cleaner, and the clock's still ticking. Probably won't take very long." I wandered down the halls and finally found a bearded guy pushing a cart in the gym. "Are you the janitor?" I asked.

"Mr. Colson at your service," he smiled. "What d'ya got? Puker? Nosebleed? Potty accident?"

"Actually, we kind of had a paint situation in a kindergarten classroom. It's in room 209 if you've got a minute."

"All in the line of duty," he smiled and wheeled the cart down the hallway.

"And here I thought _I_ had a tough job," I laughed.

"Pay's not great and the puke thing is pretty bad," he said. "But the kids are fun, and I like the hours." I smiled. Mr. Colson was a good guy.

We made it back to room 209, and surprisingly no new disasters had sprung up in my absence. Ranger was still at the desk, but things were slowing down now that the room was mostly clean again. Mr. Colson set to work with sprays and wipes and eventually had the wall and floor looking almost like new. I gathered the kids together and had them sit in a circle on the carpet. I looked over at Ranger.

"We're waiting, Mr. Manoso," I smiled sweetly. "Come join the group." If looks could kill… He came and sat down on the carpet still watching me with sinister eyes. I guess he was happier being the ogre. One of the little boys came and crawled in his lap, and I held my breath waiting for disaster to strike. Ranger stayed calm and carefully slid the boy back to the carpet next to him.

"I guess it's probably story time," I said. A dozen sets of eyes waited intently for me to start the story. Except the problem was I didn't really know any. Kids made me kind of nauseous and stressed me out just thinking about them. These ones had kind of been ok. They were like my nieces: a little nutty and rambunctious but pretty sweet and adorable at the end of the day.

"What's wrong with your mouth?" one of the little boys asked. I touched my lip. It was still puffy and hurt like the dickens. "It's not important," I said trying to change the subject. "My brother got in a fight once," one little girl chimed in. "His face looked like that. Are you a bully?" Ranger was smirking from across the circle. I rolled my eyes. "I'm not a bully. I walked into my closet door this morning. Anyways, back to the story." The kids seemed mostly willing to let the fat lip thing go, so I continued.

"Once upon a time," I started. Since I didn't have any better ideas, I decided to keep with the whole castle, knight, and princess theme. "There was this decent looking princess. She was whisked away by a wolf dressed up like a knight, but the princess was pretty smart and it didn't take long for her to notice he was really a wolf, so she escaped his evil castle. Unfortunately the princess lost her job and didn't have any gold, so she wandered through the woods until she found a knight-in-training agency that was in charge of rounding up all the bad magical creatures that skipped their court dates." I saw another twitch of a smile from Ranger.

One of the girls raised her hand. "Did the princess ever find the _real_ knight?" she asked. I sighed. "Life is a little confusing for the princess right now. She's not sure if she's found the right knight yet. But," I paused glancing over at Ranger. "There's this knight in black that always shows up when she needs him. He's saved her life more times than she can even count. And on really rare, special occasions, he asks her for help, and they have lots of crazy adventures together." I could tell Ranger was amused by the story because he hadn't even noticed when the little boy crawled back in his lap. Or maybe he did. Not much escaped Ranger's attention. I'd have to ask him about it later.

"Is that it?" one of the kids asked. "That's not a very good story. It has to end with 'happily ever after.' Don't you know anything?" "Fine," I said. "The princess took down all the bad, magical creatures and lived happily ever after." "No!" everyone yelled in unison. "She has to marry the knight!" "Fine, she marries the knight and lives happily ever after." "The knight in black?" the girl asked. "Sure, fine, the knight in black." "And?" she asked wanting me to finish the cliché. "And she lived happily ever after. The end." Most of the kids clapped.

It was almost the end of the day, so we finished up with a snack of fish crackers and colored one of the coloring sheets left on the teacher's desk. I caught a glimpse of relief on Ranger's face when the first of the parents started showing up. After the last child was finally gone, he went and slumped in the chair behind the desk.

"I could really use a glass of wine right about now," he said rubbing his temples. "And maybe some ibuprofen." I sat awkwardly in one of the mini chairs and watched him. "What?" Ranger finally asked.

"I want an explanation," I laughed. "Did you get bored at Rangeman or something? Hardened criminals weren't much of a challenge anymore?"

"Trust me," he answered. "I'd take hardened criminals over this group any day. At least I know what to expect." Ranger stretched his arms above his head. "I sort of lost a bet. Payment was a day off for one of the Rangeman guy's wives. She's a kindergarten teacher and obviously superhuman. Not to mention a saint." We both laughed. "What did you bet on?" I asked knowing Ranger didn't usually place bets he knew he couldn't win. "Not important. I'll tell you about it another time." I rolled my eyes. That was code for "no way in hell am I ever going to tell you."

"I need to take out the recycling before leaving," he said. "You wanna come?" I stood and picked up a few loose papers off the floor before we carried out the blue plastic container. The parking lot had emptied and it was oddly quiet. Ranger tossed the recyclables into the giant metal bin then dropped the plastic container on the ground. "Um, I think we're supposed to take that back…" I started. He slipped his hand behind my neck, pulled me in really close and kissed me. I felt my insides turn to jello.

"I liked the story," he whispered. No kidding. "I'm not much of a storyteller," I said trying to back up a little. Being this close to Ranger wasn't usually a good idea. "Probably should volunteer at the library a little more before doing any more kids groups." He smiled.

We walked back to the classroom and gave it the once over. It was almost like the day had never happened. In fact, if I woke up tomorrow and tried to remember, I'd probably think it was a dream. Neither of us belonged in a place like this.

Ranger returned his badge and key at the main office. The lady at the front desk gave him a very slow once-over and winked at him as he left. He smiled politely, and we made our way out to the deserted parking lot. "Need a ride home?" he asked. I shrugged. We walked over to his Porsche Cayenne. "No 911 Turbo today, huh?" I asked.

"I didn't want to stand out too much." I looked over at him. "You're kidding, right?" He shrugged with a twitch of a smile. He was worried about his car standing out, but Ranger in a school setting was like a colorful clown dancing through a black and white movie…except kind of the other way around.

We pulled up to my apartment complex, and Ranger walked me to my door on the second floor. Once through the door he shoved me up against the wall and kissed me again. "Want me to stay and give you the real happily ever after ending?" he asked. I slid out from under his arms. "Thanks for the offer," I stammered trying really hard to unscramble my mental pathways. "But this princess better turn in early tonight. I've still got a magical creature to take down tomorrow."

"Going back to work then?" he asked. "What changed your mind?" The truth was I liked the story too. The princess didn't have a fancy castle and hadn't settled on her happily ever after just yet, but she was doing alright. Sometimes the magical beasts got the better of her, and some days she ended up in a giant dung heap. But the dung washed off, and like the janitor had said, the hours weren't bad either.

"Just a little perspective," I said. "Well, call me if you need me," he said. "Same goes for you," I added. "Just as long as it doesn't involve another kindergarten fiasco." With a hint of a smile, he left.

I put on some pajama pants and made myself a peanut butter and olive sandwich. There wasn't much to watch on TV, so I picked up my phone. I called my best friend Mary Lou; I gave her a rundown of my weird day, and we gossiped about the recent happenings in the Burg. I was just about to call it a night when my phone rang.

"Hey Cupcake," came a familiar voice. "Sorry it's late, but do you mind if I drop by tonight? I'd really like to see you." It was the other knight in my life, Joe Morelli. He wasn't exactly dressed in white, but working for the Trenton PD, he might as well have been. And he sort of looked like Prince Charming…in an Italian kind of way. "Sure," I said. Fifteen minutes later there was a knock at my door.

"I brought ice cream," he said as he walked to the kitchen. We sat on the couch and ate our ice cream with the TV on in the background. Morelli gave me the rundown from his day, and I decided to withhold the details from mine. It was probably too unbelievable.

We curled up on the couch together and moments later I promptly fell asleep. At the end of the day who really cares about the happily ever after? Sometimes some ice cream, good company, and snuggling on a couch are all a princess really needs.


End file.
